It is not good for the man to be alone. Genesis 2v18
God sets the lonely in families…Psalms 68v6
I’m always baffled when I meet or think about all the people that I know who are single. They are beautiful, successful, and just an all round nice person, so my question is always why are you single? Thinking about my own periods of singleness is what prompted me to write this blog in the first place. It’s my prayer that we all find successful, long lasting unions, but why are there so many people that can’t find a good match? Its like a draw full of odd socks! Unfortunately more complaints about being single come from women so I will mainly be exploring this from a female perspective but some things will apply to men too. As I mentioned before, during my periods of singleness I would ask myself a range of questions as to why this could be so;
- Are you being too picky?
- Is the quality of men declining?
- Have men become lazy in their pursuit of women?
- Are all the good ones taken?
- Is it just me?
Question number three is the one that I was stuck on. I’m old fashioned when it comes to dating, I think the man should pursue and take the lead. However I’m finding that men have so much dating opportunities at their disposal these days through social media that women (or even just people in general) become disposable. It’s like we are on a conveyer belt, you can swipe to the right and move onto the next in an instant! (See post on Cyber dating). The value of relationship has definitely declined. There is no regard for courtship anymore, too many people are looking for a hook up and the getting to know somebody beyond their looks and valuing their character is almost obsolete in this generation.
I was speaking to a guy not so long ago who is getting married this year. I asked him what made him decide to marry his fiance and he said he was ‘Just ready’. He went on to explain that he use to be a player in his 20’s but now that he’s over 30 and established in his career he is more serious about finding a lifetime partner. I have heard quite a few times now that men over 30 are more likely ready for marriage, but again this still maybe a small fraction because I know women older than me that are still looking for that mature, established man.
I believe that we go where our mind goes. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23v7. Essentially that scripture is saying our mind is the control centre of our actions and its really important to feed your mind with success if you want to be successful, after all ‘you are what you eat’. Feeding your mind includes, what you watch, what you listen to, who you surround yourself with (your counsellors), what you read and what you meditate on. Mainstream music for the younger generation is Hip hop or what they call “Urban” music (I have issues about that term hence the quotation marks but I’ll save that for another post). The majority of these songs are about ‘side chicks’, ‘mainchicks’, ‘Beckys’, sex, sex and more sex. Obviously Hip hop has always been controversial but it wasn’t as main stream as it is now. Songs are no longer about My Endless Love or how many times you are a lady (Once, twice, three times a lady? good ol’ Lionel) so is it any wonder relationships are fleeting. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to pin all the blame on the music, but it is a significant fraction of the pie. Even though love songs were more prevalent in my parents generation relationships weren’t perfect then either.
Its not just the music but reality TV (if you watch it) also has a lot to answer for. I use to watch Love and Hip hop, Bad girls Club, Real housewives of Atlanta (I know so ratched!) The former promotes two women to one man and that its ok to know about each other and fight over him, but no one blames that man! I’m always thinking in my head, you allow it to be ok by staying with him, if both of you just walked away he couldn’t play this game, but anyway enough of my rant. The latter promotes cattiness between woman which is kinda standard for females anyway. Although I do prefer it to Love and Hip hop because it follows the lives of successful women, but is a successful woman also a spanner in the works of a good relationship? Are men threatened by successful women? There are numerous debates about this, in the book Salvation by Bell Hooks she looks at the social construct of black people and explores the breakdown of relationships within the African American culture. I’m just paraphrasing here but she basically says that the success of the black woman is at detriment to the family unit, in society she is given many career opportunities while her black male counterpoint is held back from advancing economically, which in turn doesn’t make him feel like a man or that he can provide for his family. Even if the woman tries to help him up the result is he sees the black woman as his enemy.
Who influences you? They say if you want to know the type of person someone is, look at the people they surround themselves with. Check out their friends, if he is surrounded by guys that don’t respect women, or non of them are in stable relationships then theres a possibility he thinks that way too. Again this is not always full proof, how many people do you hang around with that do things that you don’t? For example smoke or drink but you get what I’m trying to say here.
So what is the solution? Because I’m all about being solution focussed. Here is my idea, how about, we chose a date and a venue to do a singles mixer. What’s that I hear you say? It’s when single people get together, or if you’re not single nominate someone to come who is and we see if there is a match. Even if there is one match out of 50 people that would be a success. I’m only gonna do it if there is an even number of males and females though. It could be as small as 4 people but we will get together talk and eat. I know we all live in different countries but maybe I’ll do one in Dubai and one in London. If you’re interested please fill out the contact sheet below and I’ll get back to you with dates.
Peace n Love.
3 thoughts on “The Single Life”
Lovely write up as usual hon. I believe both males and females have their own roles to play. Just as their can’t be two captains on a ship, there is one head of the home and another to be a support. Both being equally important roles but different. Ephesians 5 talks about the mystery of the union we call marriage….where 2 become 1 (the same mystery as Yashua and the called out ones, the same mystery as YHWH and Yashua….I digress). These 2 individuals do not become one in the physical (obviously :)) but in thoughts and spirit. They should be in agreement, walk together, head in the same direction……Amos 3:3 says, how can two walk together except they be in agreement? When Paul talks about “being unequally yoked with unbelievers “, when two oxen are yoked together one is slightly stronger than the other and the stronger one leads the other but they both plough the land with their combined strength, havin the same goal.
Sooo many marriages these days do not depict this. Each individual has their own goal and purpose in mind and when they decide to pursue it without thinking of the union ( blood covenant that it is), it doesn’t last. Or one party has to live in misery, putting their purpose on hold (for the sake of children mostly) while the other pursues theirs.
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Excellent work Keri Bradshaw 🙂 God’s time is the best and I truly believe that there is a soul for each of us out there equally it happens for us at different stages of life. I believe I’m single because I loved so much and at the end got a slap therefore I’m scared that if I put my guards down I will get hurt again. I also dated the wrong people at the wrong time of my life – they are all experiences we learn from. The bottom line is one has truly got to love himself and his own company to love another… (I don’t mean this in a selfish way _ more from a spiritual, mind, body perspective) –
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I always enjoy these blogs. I just came back from the Caribbean and what’s interesting is that men there will pursue a woman vehemently as do men in Africa from what I’ve seen. I’m not even referring to men who want a foreign woman but those who are happy with a local.
Some of the issues mentioned above seem to be more prevalent in Europe and ME now as so many Europeans have settled there.
My last two serious relationships have been with first generation men from black countries and they have been true men when in comes to dating, setting a foundation for a serious relationship and fulfilling their roles as men. For me, that works as these God fearing men were not influenced by a lower moral standard or conditioned by their environment.
As singles I think it’s important to reflect on bad relationships and prayerfully as to avoid similar in the future while keeping hearts and minds open to the blessing of a worthy and lasting match
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